he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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