I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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