I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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