I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
