she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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