Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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