Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
