Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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