i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
