Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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