That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
