True but thats because hes a fetus.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
