I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
