There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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