yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
