she was so not down for the gang bang
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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