So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
