It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
