What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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