have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
