he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
