I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
