She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
