I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
