Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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