Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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