Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
