McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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