why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
