ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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