I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
