goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
