census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm passing your future prison.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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