...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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