I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Let's paint friendship bongs
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize