Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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