I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
