you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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