I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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