I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
