now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
