Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
