Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize