You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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