Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You're earring is so big in my mouth
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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