The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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