I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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