I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
