Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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