I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Also, beer. Big fan.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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