I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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