I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
