Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
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My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
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I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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